Don’t Touch Me! Or How to Identify a Schizoid Partner

By |2018-07-19T21:13:00+00:00July 17th, 2018|Destructive Influences|

Having an unhealthy relationship is probably the most destructive circumstance in one’s life. We can overcome tremendous obstacles if we have a supportive shoulder to lay our head on. However, there are many personality disorders, that can make our relationship dysfunctional. Today I would like to focus on schizoid personality disorder.

How Comes You Got Involved With a Schizoid?

If you were born into a family with a schizoid you had no choice. And obviously, you had no luck. It is not easy to have such childhood but once you are a grown-up, you can rely solely on yourself, develop healthy relationships with your peeps and your life changes to better.

On the other hand, if you had a bad childhood or bad life phase, you are prone to making bad decisions as to the choice of a partner. If you had a dysfunctional relationship recently, you should not rush towards a new one because most likely that relationship won’t work as well.

It is very often that we overestimate the expectations of the new partner and underestimate the importance to choose the right partner. After having a bad childhood, a bad relationship or bad life phase you suffer from a low self-esteem and low self-worth. Despite the only thing you want at that moment (or always) is somebody who would love you, you should first invest time into getting your emotions in order.

Sadly, in most cases, when we look for the feeling of being loved, important and valued we don’t look inside ourselves but we look for someone else to provide us with it. This is the case when a schizoid can catch your eye.

How exactly have a schizoid grabbed your attention? He:

  • seems to be a solid guy with his life together, relatively good salary, never-married, no emotional baggage and no drama
  • is boring and conservative, which might be good after having a turbulent life
  • is not weighing you with his problems
  • has no bad friends taking him out drinking
  • is shy, nerdy, which seems responsible and reliable for you
  • looks to be safe to be around – you don’t expect any violence or drama from him
  • can provide the feeling of security
  • provides assurance – he will be there and he will be the same, and his mood will be the same

This way it starts. You are looking for someone calm and stable, even boring and you get yourself a schizoid.

Signs That Your Spouse Is a Schizoid

If you are already married or in a relationship and your significant other is not acting as you would wish, you might face a question whether he is a schizoid. So let’s see.

  • he seldom speaks to you
  • he is unable to discuss any emotional issue
  • he is present physically….sometimes mentally…almost never emotionally
  • you feel lonely even when he is around
  • you often do the guess game – what and how he feels
  • he shows little affections – weeks or months without kissing, touching and sex
  • he has no friends, no close relationship with members of the family
  • he doesn’t recognize a non-verbal language
  • you become a sad shell of yourself
  • he is cold, distant and avoiding
  • he has low EQ
  • he is very detached
  • it is not important to him to share the information
  • he is narcissistic

What to Do?

Does any of the above sound familiar? You feel not loved, depressed, lonely or even betrayed. Oh, believe me I know how you feel. There is a difficult decision to make – will you stay or will you go?

Although there are many personality disorders that might be more dangerous to be around, a schizoid is probably the one that has the least hope to change. A schizoid is feeling OK being schizoid, so he doesn’t look for help or treatment. Any suggestion of changing ANYTHING is a burden to him. There are no medications to treat a schizoid and there is no record that being in a therapy would help in a significant way.

If you feel lonely around him you WILL feel lonely around him. He will not change. It’s hard for me to be this ruthlessly honest but you probably feel it deep inside already.

However, if you want to stay and continue living with a schizoid there are few adjustment you can do to make your life better:

  • explain things reasonably and rationally (he doesn’t understand when you yell or cry, that won’t change his behavior)
  • don’t expect empathy or affection
  • swallow that only physical support will be provided
  • build your relationship on the pillars of logic, reason and fair game

I hope this helps. Although it is sometimes very hard to hear the truth it is always the best to know where you are. Then you can make some adjustments (smaller or bigger ones) to a better life. To a happier you.

Why You Should Go to Sleep Early Tonight

By |2018-07-10T17:31:51+00:00July 10th, 2018|Work-Life Balance|

I was thinking lately about a modern habit of not having enough sleep. All of us cut on sleep. There is always something more important to do than have a full night rest. Always. Recently, I realized that I need to reconsider this because sleep is such an essential part of my life.

Although it is said we should sleep eight hours a day, how much sleep a person actually needs is individual and everyone should listen to her body. One thing is clear, if you don’t get enough sleep you gain weight, you are not happy, you are ill more often, your immune system can break down and so on. Let me tell you what to do about it!

Why You Need to Sleep More

The Immune System Will Benefit

Lack of sleep has a bad effect on your immunity. You are much more susceptible to get the flu or some other illness when your body is not rested. Although it’s not proved, some scientists say that you are up to 3 times more likely to get a cold when you sleep less than your body needs to.

You Will Be Happier

Yes, you are happier when you sleep well. Everybody is, no doubt about it. It’s much easier to keep yourself in a good mood when you sleep enough. You can’t live your life to the fullest if you are tired.

You Will Lose Weight

There are two reasons for this.

  1. You are too tired to go running or do some exercise, you might be even too tired to cook a healthy meal or go shopping to buy something and then you end up eating unhealthy fast-food or snack.
  2. Your brain is more tired, your body is more tired and they ask you for energy. What is the first thing your body wants when you are tired? Sleep. And second? Food. Automatically, you are going to be hungrier than on days when you are rested.

Your Overall Health Will Benefit

When your body is refreshed, all of your organs are refreshed too so they function well. The stomach can digest properly, kidneys can filter water, the brain can think, everything’s working. Have you ever experienced that shaking when you didn’t sleep enough? Yeah, that’s wrong and it shouldn’t occur.

Your Memory and Concentration Will Get Better

Just an addition to what was already said, you can concentrate much better when you are recovered after a good night sleep. Your brain works faster and you can focus on what you are doing. Scientists proved that having lack of sleep for more than a couple of days may cause you troubles remembering things and not even that – you will remember them differently than they actually happened.

Phases of Sleep

Do you know what happens to you when you sleep? As you fall asleep your body temperature, heartbeat, and blood pressure drop. Your body recovers and starts to produce important hormones such as cortisol, ghrelin, and leptin, which are essential for your immunity, health, and also control over hunger and eating habits.

REM

This is the time of your sleep when you are dreaming. This phase is only about 25% of the whole sleeping time. It occurs every hour and a half and it actually provides the energy for the brain and body. This phase is also helping you to wake up in the morning.

Non-REM

It’s the other 75% of your sleeping time. Your muscles are relaxed, your blood pressure drops and your breathing is slow. During this phase, your body restores energy, rests, and recovers, so this phase is very important for recovering from stress, exercising or even injury. Usually, you don’t have any dreams during this phase.

How to Sleep Better

Get Earplugs

They really help. I use them every day for 8 years now and I can’t understand how could I sleep well without them before.

Get Eye Mask 

Another thing I use for a few years now. You might not need it if you like to sleep with a light on, but in case you are sensitive to light like me, eye mask is a must!

 No Electronic Devices in the Bedroom

This is what I suck at. I don’t even have any other alarm clock than my phone so I can’t prove it with my personal experience. However, many scientists would tell you that it is the best thing you can do for your restful sleep.

Get Some Fresh Air

Try to open the window for 5 minutes every day before you go to sleep. Fresh air will help your brain relax and your sleep will be better because you won’t have a lack of oxygen during the night. (I can prove that this works 🙂 ).

Manage the Light

Just set it right. If you don’t like light put an eye mask on if you do turn on some ambient light. Just don’t allow any light, like that annoying little red light on TV interrupt your sleep.

Take Advantage of Time Routine

If you go to sleep at the same time every day and you wake up at the same time every day, your body gets used to it and will automatically switch you off when it’s the time to go to bed.

Thank you so much for reading. Are you a sleepy head or you cut on your sleep often? Let me know. I’m curious.

Good night. Have a blissful sleep and stay positive. 🙂

Why Aren’t We Creative Anymore?

By |2018-07-03T14:05:43+00:00July 3rd, 2018|Work-Life Balance|

Creativity is intelligence having fun.
-Albert Einstein

If it is fun, why aren’t we creative anymore? When I look around I see people stuck in their full-time jobs looking for something that would entertain them and enlighten their day.

The problem might be that most of us look for entertainment in our surrounding, not in ourselves. Building an inner creative environment where one can think and develop and have fun is the best thing a person can do for himself.

Why Being Creative?

Creativity is about new stuff, about changing traditional ideas, relationships, rules or any other different pattern in this world to create something new. Something that is meaningful, original and inspirational. Creative people tend to be happier and more satisfied with their lives. Changing some of the rules or ideas can bring you new self, maybe higher, maybe more self-conscious maybe more fun self. It’s definitely worth discovering what you have in yourself.

How To Be Creative in Everyday Life

  • Use Your Phone

    There is a vast amount of mobile apps these days that will support your creativity. You can download them and play as long as you wish. Do you use Instagram? Play with it too, use different filters and features, find out how creative you can be with your pictures. If you like organizing your thoughts go for Evernote, it’s the best app out there for thinkers, writers, brainstorming and people who want to have things clear.

  • Fall for Photography

    It can be very creative to take pictures; you can try different angles, different light, various options for the capture. You can go wild and if you want to go beyond taking pictures, play with photoshop, your pictures will get a brand new look. There are a lot of great photoshops out there from Adobe to Corel Draw and other. If you don’t feel like going pro and spending money on it, I would recommend GIMP. It has great features, and it’s totally free; you can download it here.

  • Draw

    Express yourself and show the world how you see things. It can be exculpatory and calming at the same time. No matter if you haven’t drawn anything ever, it doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. It’s just your mean of expression and finding your creative self. If you are not a fan of traditional drawing, again there are apps for that. You can download Sketchbook or other app and draw right into your phone or a tablet.

  • Write

    You can be creative with a word, from a diary to letter, article, newspaper, blog or even a book. Capture your thoughts, create a story or do some research on a topic you like and write an essay. It can bring you something new and take you beyond the routine, just don’t force yourself. Write about stuff you like or don’t write if you don’t like it. Remember, this is supposed to make you happy and creative.

  • Cook

    Try out new recipes, bake a cake which you can decorate. There are limitless options when cooking or baking. The plus of this point is that it’s not only for you but also for your closest ones. I bet your family will love the new creative you with all those pastries.

  • Take a Different Route to Work

    In case all five options above are way too much for you, you can start with some small changes in your everyday routine, just to open your eyes. One of the best options is to take a different road to work. If you are taking the same route for months or even years, you don’t even perceive things around you. Take a different route, observe what you see around you and look for some inspiration.

I would definitely add travel, but that’s up to you. 🙂 What does creativity mean to you? Are you a creative person?

Should You Strive for Fulfillment or Happiness?

By |2018-06-25T07:47:35+00:00June 26th, 2018|Self-Acceptance|

Might be a trivial question to some. Not so easy to others. Fulfillment or happiness? And what’s the difference?

So, if you have to choose what would you choose – happiness or fulfillment? Or success? It is very popular now to run back and forth to look for happiness. Because we tend to think: I’m not happy = my life sucks. I’m happy = my life is awesome. Want to have an awesome life? Be happy. And we do all the possible and impossible to become happy. Yet again, it’s not so easy.

I wondered what the dictionary says. Sometimes, it is enough to have a look there and it’s all much clearer.

Definition of Happiness

  • the state of being happy (or as so says the dictionary), so what is happy then?

Definition of Being Happy

  • expressing happiness (well that didn’t work out as I planned)
  • favored by luck or fortune (that’s it? that’s all the humans are looking and fighting for?)
  • enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment
  • notably fitting, effective or well adapted

Woohoo! I don’t like it, do you? Such a big fuss about happiness and it’s being effective? Or favored by luck or fortune? Come on! So what is fulfillment then?

Definition of Fulfillment

  • the achievement of something designed, promised or predicted
  • the meeting of a requirement, condition or need

And to have it complete – what does the dictionary say about success?

Definition of Success

  • an accomplishment of an aim or purpose
  • the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect or fame
  • the correct or desired result of an attempt

I tell my clients that it is not success nor happiness they should strive for, it’s fulfillment. Yet, lately, I started to think that if you have your goals set correctly you achieve all at the same time – success, happiness, and fulfillment.

However, only fulfillment can be long-term. If you volunteer for educating kids from poor families you might feel successful only when you teach them something new successfully, happy when you laugh with them, but you can feel fulfilled all the way through the good AND the bad days.

How to Have a Vibrant Life as a Highly Sensitive Person

By |2018-06-19T21:14:38+00:00June 19th, 2018|Self-Acceptance|

I consider myself to be a highly sensitive person. My closest family knows it (they probably knew it before me) and they try to adjust – be less critical to me because they know it’s hard for me to take the critic, be more kind to me and accept that my first impression feelings are always right. 😀 Let me give you an example.

I entered the meeting room. There were only three people so far. The client, my boss Adriana and her manager Richard.  Everybody was smiling but the atmosphere was tense. I could smell a conflict in the air. Richard was laid back, looking and feeling confident. He was to become a partner soon so he felt he can do it all. He can push any client into buying more of their services. He was so confident that he didn’t see that he was making everybody else around him nervous. He thought he is popular, but in reality, everybody knew he was to become a partner so many people befriended him on purpose.

The client felt curious. He overcame so many problems starting his new business. He was full of expectations what this company can bring him and how much weight could he get off his shoulders. He wasn’t willing to spend time looking any further. This must be it. This company will help him thrive. We were buying the manager’s confidence. They know what they are doing. They have done it a million time. Or so he thought.

Adriana was nervous. Richard just tried to sell a service to the client which was absolutely useless to him. Waste of money. She brought this client to the house and she wanted him to be satisfied and getting the most valuable service he could. But Richard doesn’t care. He didn’t read the client’s file of course. He is just shooting offers without thinking. It is so hard to work with him.

So I entered the room after my one-second scan of the environment. I set next to Adriana to comfort her and smiled at the client to make him sure we can handle it. I ignored Richard on purpose because he was the only one who didn’t need any support.

Being 100 % aware of what is going around you all the time can be so overwhelming and/or frustrating. And the fact that other people don’t feel it the same and they carelessly enter your personal space and make themselves home there is annoying as hell! No wonder, so many highly sensitive persons fall into depression and anxieties and feel frustrated.

Can you relate to my situation? Do you consider yourself to be a highly sensitive person? If you are not sure, let me give you some hints to help you decide.

You Are a Highly Sensitive Person IF:

  • you have difficulties with letting go of negative emotions
  • you are having a bad day after drinking alcohol, too much sugar, or overeating
  • are often anxious or depressed
  • have vivid imagination and rich inner world
  • feel hurt or offended easily
  • afraid of being rejected
  • worrying about what others think about you and your actions
  • don’t understand how people do unkind and selfish things
  • hide negative or any other true feelings and pretend to be happy and outgoing all the time
  • seeking for approval of your actions
  • feel uncomfortable in crowds
  • sensitive to loud music or noise, strong light or smells
  • can get overwhelmed easily
  • are a good listener
  • sense other peoples’ moods, needs and troubles (you are having high EQ)
  • can’t take criticism lightly
  • sit in the corner of your favorite restaurant
  • hate open spaces to work in
  • can’t focus if you are uncomfortable

If you answered most of the question yes, I bet, the world can seem too much sometimes. Yet, it’s not the end of the world.

The important thing to do is to develop emotional strength. I would say the ONLY important thing is to develop the inner strength.

If you do so, being highly sensitive have many pros. You can experience the world like nobody else. The sky is bluer to you than to others. The grass is greener. The burger is tastier. You feel it all. You enjoy it more than anybody if you let yourself to.

Your creativity, empathy, and individualism are more developed than in other people. You have a better guess of other peoples’ strengths and weakness. You enter the room and you “know it all”. What is the atmosphere, who likes who and who is the black ship? You feel it all.

You are a great strategist because you think before you act. You are responsible and reliable. You can sense a conflict miles away and you can help solve it even before it arises. You have a strong feeling for aesthetic so you can make your home and workplace gorgeous.

Basic Rules to Rock as a Highly Sensitive Person

  • don’t multitask
  • reduce outside stimuli
  • exercise and meditate to take control of your emotions
  • use your creativity and empathy to your benefit
  • get rid of everything that is sucking the energy out of you – people, activities or even foods and drinks
  • accept yourself and appreciate yourself

Being highly sensitive can make your life vibrant and vivid or a living hell. It depends on how you learn to react to people, situations, and circumstances. If you learn to accept and master your emotions a cut the people and things that are not doing you well, you will become happy and you can develop your empathy, creativity, and senses, making your life very beneficial to others.

If you just realized that you are a highly sensitive person (yay! welcome onboard) and you want to get more info, read here. Elaine Aron is a psychologist who dedicated years to research highly sensitive persons so she is a go-to-expert.

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