5 Steps to Silence the Critical Inner Voice

By |2018-09-13T13:08:51+00:00September 13th, 2018|Destructive Influences|

We all have our critical inner voices. To prove that, let me ask you a question.

Have you ever been scared of being not enough?

Eight thousand hands flew to air.

Including mine.

I was attending the Unleash the Power Within and this was just one of my aha moments.

I have always been very self-critical. Constantly feeling lame, not good enough, not worthy, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not strong enough.
Simply put. Not enough.

And I thought it’s just me, and it’s me being realistic when I criticized myself for that.

However, here, in the room with 8 000 other people, I realized it’s not just me. Everybody feels not being enough.

But they are enough. It can’t be true that 8 000 people are not enough. At least some of them must be smart enough, strong enough, skinny enough. They just don’t feel that way.

What if I am enough as well?

That day I realized that self-criticism is just slowing down my progress. I would be much more successful if I don’t beat myself up for everything I do since I wake up till I go to sleep.

I might do some things wrong but I might do some good things along the way as well. So why not give them equal value?

Or, can I go even further? Why not give bigger value to the good stuff and only a little value to the bad stuff?

Wouldn’t life be so much better for me and people around me?

The question is how to do it. If you feel my pain and you could handle some tips on how to stop self-criticizing yourself read on.

1. Find Out Why You Criticize Yourself

There is always a reason why you do what you do. Maybe you had a strict parent who was never satisfied and you get used to criticizing yourself as well. Or you are very ambitious and perfectionist and you naturally expect more of you even when delivering great results.

2. Confront Those Critical Inner Voices

OK. So the little voices are telling you that you are not enough? Challenge them. What is the evidence that you are not enough? Can you look at it from a different angle and find the reasons why are you enough?

3. Surround Yourself with Positive and Supportive People

If you are a negativist criticizing yourself every day, you might tend to surround yourself with people who think alike. This is not helping your good mood or confidence. As I said a few times, pick up your friends wisely. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people who will teach you how to look at things differently.

4. Listen to Others

Once you have the right people around you, talk to them. Listen to what they have to say. If they are honest people and good friends they might tell you your weaknesses but they might tell you your strengths as well. They definitely don’t think that you are not enough to be their friends so you might as well be enough in other parts of your life. Ask them.

5. Rationalize

There are always two sides of a coin. If your critical inner voice is telling you that you are too sensitive, find the reasons why being sensitive is OK. And find the reasons why being sensitive is not only OK but great. Next time when your critical inner voice will shout at you that you are too sensitive you’ll be like: OH, yeah, and you know what’s good about it? 🙂

And what is your critical inner voice telling you? Do you feel like you are not good enough in some situations?

Don’t Touch Me! Or How to Identify a Schizoid Partner

By |2018-07-19T21:13:00+00:00July 17th, 2018|Destructive Influences|

Having an unhealthy relationship is probably the most destructive circumstance in one’s life. We can overcome tremendous obstacles if we have a supportive shoulder to lay our head on. However, there are many personality disorders, that can make our relationship dysfunctional. Today I would like to focus on schizoid personality disorder.

How Comes You Got Involved With a Schizoid?

If you were born into a family with a schizoid you had no choice. And obviously, you had no luck. It is not easy to have such childhood but once you are a grown-up, you can rely solely on yourself, develop healthy relationships with your peeps and your life changes to better.

On the other hand, if you had a bad childhood or bad life phase, you are prone to making bad decisions as to the choice of a partner. If you had a dysfunctional relationship recently, you should not rush towards a new one because most likely that relationship won’t work as well.

It is very often that we overestimate the expectations of the new partner and underestimate the importance to choose the right partner. After having a bad childhood, a bad relationship or bad life phase you suffer from a low self-esteem and low self-worth. Despite the only thing you want at that moment (or always) is somebody who would love you, you should first invest time into getting your emotions in order.

Sadly, in most cases, when we look for the feeling of being loved, important and valued we don’t look inside ourselves but we look for someone else to provide us with it. This is the case when a schizoid can catch your eye.

How exactly have a schizoid grabbed your attention? He:

  • seems to be a solid guy with his life together, relatively good salary, never-married, no emotional baggage and no drama
  • is boring and conservative, which might be good after having a turbulent life
  • is not weighing you with his problems
  • has no bad friends taking him out drinking
  • is shy, nerdy, which seems responsible and reliable for you
  • looks to be safe to be around – you don’t expect any violence or drama from him
  • can provide the feeling of security
  • provides assurance – he will be there and he will be the same, and his mood will be the same

This way it starts. You are looking for someone calm and stable, even boring and you get yourself a schizoid.

Signs That Your Spouse Is a Schizoid

If you are already married or in a relationship and your significant other is not acting as you would wish, you might face a question whether he is a schizoid. So let’s see.

  • he seldom speaks to you
  • he is unable to discuss any emotional issue
  • he is present physically….sometimes mentally…almost never emotionally
  • you feel lonely even when he is around
  • you often do the guess game – what and how he feels
  • he shows little affections – weeks or months without kissing, touching and sex
  • he has no friends, no close relationship with members of the family
  • he doesn’t recognize a non-verbal language
  • you become a sad shell of yourself
  • he is cold, distant and avoiding
  • he has low EQ
  • he is very detached
  • it is not important to him to share the information
  • he is narcissistic

What to Do?

Does any of the above sound familiar? You feel not loved, depressed, lonely or even betrayed. Oh, believe me I know how you feel. There is a difficult decision to make – will you stay or will you go?

Although there are many personality disorders that might be more dangerous to be around, a schizoid is probably the one that has the least hope to change. A schizoid is feeling OK being schizoid, so he doesn’t look for help or treatment. Any suggestion of changing ANYTHING is a burden to him. There are no medications to treat a schizoid and there is no record that being in a therapy would help in a significant way.

If you feel lonely around him you WILL feel lonely around him. He will not change. It’s hard for me to be this ruthlessly honest but you probably feel it deep inside already.

However, if you want to stay and continue living with a schizoid there are few adjustment you can do to make your life better:

  • explain things reasonably and rationally (he doesn’t understand when you yell or cry, that won’t change his behavior)
  • don’t expect empathy or affection
  • swallow that only physical support will be provided
  • build your relationship on the pillars of logic, reason and fair game

I hope this helps. Although it is sometimes very hard to hear the truth it is always the best to know where you are. Then you can make some adjustments (smaller or bigger ones) to a better life. To a happier you.

How to Deal with a Person with a Paranoid Personality Disorder

By |2018-06-16T17:51:02+00:00May 8th, 2018|Destructive Influences|

There were times when I thought that there’s good in every single person on the Earth and you can find it when you give them enough love and attention. There were times when I thought that most people are psychopaths and there’s no other solution than run away because there’s no way to help them.

Yet, the reality is not so black and white but has different colors and shades. Life always does. Different people have different problems, illnesses and need different treatment. Some of them will get cured, and some of them won’t. (more…)

Signs That You Are In an Unhealthy Relationship

By |2018-07-19T21:14:54+00:00February 25th, 2018|Destructive Influences|

I was telling myself I’m the happiest person in the world, I have everything I always wanted. I have enough money, I live in the USA. The opportunities are countless. I will start my own business. Till today I don’t know whether I really felt that way or whether I was just trying to persuade myself about something. How comes I didn’t see it?

I quit my job in Slovakia and went to live in Chicago with my boyfriend who had gotten a job there. I thought it will all be easy, I will soon find a job or start my own business. I will be happy, successful, and free and travel the world.

The opposite was the truth. I was 25 and I was tired of life. It was hard for me to get up from bed in the morning. I didn’t have any money to go get a coffee or buy something useless, but nice. I spent a whole year (12 months) inside our one-room apartment. Me, who traveled to Dubai, Bangkok, Sydney, New York alone, never left apartment without my boyfriend/later husband. (more…)